I’ve written more than 35 books, short stories, and novellas…and this is easily the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to put down.
I’m an intensely private person. Just ask my friends and I’m sure most will admit there are huge gaping holes in their knowledge about me. I tend to play it close to the vest. Almost like a magic trick, you play up the positive to distract from all the secrets.
I feel like I’ve built a life on secrets.
And after 40 years, I look back on that mountain of secrets that I’ve kept to protect myself, protect my career aspirations, protect the feelings of the people I love… and I have regrets. Keeping secrets wasn’t always the easiest or least painful route, but out of fear, it seemed the safest.
After the events of the last couple of years, I’ve come to believe that my truths might have helped people in my small circle. Might have opened eyes. Changed opinions. They might also have caused anger and pain, but that tends to come with real growth and change in life.
For roughly 40 years, I lived as this one person…this one Jocelynn to my friends, family, co-workers, readers, and strangers. I projected this particular image of myself, while burying down all the little bits and pieces that didn’t conform to that image. Sometimes, select people got to see some of the bits, but only one or two got to see the majority of them and never all at once.
So, after 40 years, I find myself standing at this crossroads of sorts. I’m looking at this person I’ve been and I do admire her. She’s been strong and brave. This Jocelynn has accomplished a lot. She’s traveled across the country – sometimes solo – and to other countries. She’s written books, been on TV, talked to readers, been on panels with some of the greatest writers, been on the radio, climbed to what I consider the top of my career path, gotten married, and moved far from the family she loves to try new and amazing things. She’s made amazing friends and had her heart broken. She has lived, but it was always under the weight of these secrets.
These secrets have brought her to the end of her life. Forty years was a good run and I say thank you to that Jocelynn.
But it’s time.
It’s National Coming Out Day. And after a bit of preparation that started many months ago, I’m marking it as my line in the sand. My Day 1 for this new Jocelynn. But it means sharing two truths.
Truth No. 1: I am bisexual.
I’ve told a few friends over the years, but most just see a woman married to a man.
Accepting my attraction to women has been something I’ve struggled with for a long time. When I started noticing women in high school, I heard one thing whispered among the groups. “Bisexuals were sluts.” Or “Lesbians were just kinky sluts.” It was never about being emotionally involved with someone of the same sex. It wasn’t about love. It wasn’t about enjoying being around someone of the same gender in a way that was more than just friendship.
It was just about sex. Period. And it was always said in such a way that it was wrong or shameful.
And the twisted thing was that I had gay male friends and it was fine for them. But for girls, if you liked a girl, you were a slut.
So in my horror and fear — because in my brain, sex wasn’t an option in high school — I blocked out and shoved down all feelings down. Don’t touch. Don’t look. Don’t think about it. Just focus on the guys. That was “safe.” You could talk to guys and date guys and not be labeled a slut.
While that might sound hard or maybe even impossible, I had my second truth to help.
Truth No. 2: I am bipolar.
When I was 12, severe depression kicked in and really didn’t let up so that I could catch my breath until I was about 17. I had a short break before getting slammed down again. When I was in my early 20s, I was formerly diagnosed as being bipolar after my first stay in the hospital.
During high school, I was in almost constant pain. I attempted suicide a few times and thought about it constantly. My grades and writing stories were the main focus of my existence during high school. So, a nearly constant fight with the Black Dog meant that I wasn’t spending too much energy figuring out who I was, who I was attracted to, or why. During that time, my entire identity was pain. I was just trying to stay alive most days.
I spent most of my 20s what I would call “mentally off the rails.” I had a couple more stays in the hospital and a whole shit ton prescription medication. I’ve had doctors look at me in wonder how the hell I was holding down a full-time job. I remember another time when I was sitting in the hospital and my psychiatrist was sitting opposite me. He looked worn and tired. He shook his head and said, “Jocelynn, I’m out of drugs. We have tried them all and they have all failed you.” But he didn’t give up on me. I had a great therapist, and my psychiatrist and I kept trying different medication combinations.
And I was lucky. I might be a driven human being, but I will never question there was an element of luck to my survival.
By my late 20s/early 30s, the disease started to even out and become more manageable. When the constant heavy weight of just trying to survive each day lifted, I started to come back to the other part of me that I’d packed away. Started to finally figure out who I was — something lots of people got the pleasure of doing in their teens and 20s.
My couple tiny interactions with women beyond friendship were a disaster, which proved to me that I just suck when it comes to people, but my brain was at least starting to understand that this wasn’t just a sex or kink thing. This was so much more and I’d missed out.
It took moving to South Florida, to meeting more people who were bi, gay, pan, ace, and trans to start to understand finally that this was normal. That what I feel is okay and normal. That it’s okay to look at a woman and think, “Wow, she’s hot,” the same way that I look at a guy and have the same damn thought and it is okay. That I shouldn’t feel compelled to scold myself for thinking such things about my own gender. That it’s okay to want to touch (with consent of course) and to want to be touched. (Oh and I plan to write an entire book on the concept of touch and what it means, but that’s a story for another day.) That it’s okay to feel things for my own gender after too many years of stomping down on those feelings and thoughts.
But after 40 years of growing up in a more conservative area that I ever realized and working nearly a lifetime in the boys’ club industry of finance, I’m finally reached the point where I can say confidently that this is who I am.
There is a part of me that looks back with a great deal of frustration at missed opportunities and anger that maybe if I had been braver, things could have been different, but looking back doesn’t change now.
And now, I get to be me. Truly, completely me.
Thanks for listening.
You are an inspiration for oh so many reasons, but your courage here is inspiring. I love your work, I love your energy, your heart, your passion, and finally meeting you at CMC will always be a highlight in my life after working together for so many years on the Net. Keep on, keepin’ on, gorgeous girl! Embrace every moment and the breaths in between. Because you deserve it!
Thank you so very much. It was wonderful meeting you in person at CMC and I love following your updates online. I’ve noticed that when you find a peaceful moment, it reminds me to stop and take a breath. We both must keep fighting on.
You are beautiful and wonderful and I look up to you so much. I’m bisexual married to a man and have come up against many of the same things you have in life. I also have mental health issues (not bipolar, other things) but I understand being Tired and the drive to just keep going.
Thank you for this. Welcome to the queer community (officially) and may your stay be filled with rainbows. <3
Thank you so much for your kind words and welcome!
Thank you. I know how hard this was for you. I am 45 and came out as bisexual to my husband when we were 39 and everyone else when I turned 40 on Coming Out Day, as well. It was such a relief. I still struggle with my regrets and frustrations. But with my loving husband we have explored this new part of me. There are while worlds out there for us and I think it is perfectly okay for us to start over in our 40’s. We have so much to look forward to!
It’s amazing…. no matter the time that’s past or the age, we still have the chance to keep learning and growing. When I was 20, I was sure that I’d know it all by 40. I was so wrong and I’m glad.
I am so damn proud of you!!! Bi and Proud!! <3
Thanks so much! This was a big and needed step for me.
Congrats on surviving to this point and being able to finally speak out about who you are! I’m empathize with all the emotional upheaval and pain that you had go through. It is really too bad that you even had to go through it. However, it is stories like yours that help so many others to find and own their “truth” no matter what it may be. I’m 65 at the end of this month and am still learning about who I am. It has taken me this long to recognize how my “traumas” from childhood still color my life, up to a point. I am an ever evolving emotional human that hopes to overcome it all and not allow it to color my decision making abilities. And by the way, I really hate labels and how we have to LABEL everything. I wish we could just all be without being put into slots constantly. We humans are so much more than that. I love your works and look forward to more from you! xoxoxo
Thank you so much for your kind words and support!
Happy Coming Out Day, Times Two!!!! And Happy (Re)Birthday
Thanks so much! Just time to let it all hang out. 😉
You are an amazing and brave person. It’s never easy to look inside yourself with honesty. Keep being true to yourself and you’ll always be happy!
Thank you so much for your support!
You are an inspiration Joce, a truly powerful woman. Fighting to find who you are can be a long battle and sometimes it never ends. Embracing your Truth is amazing and uplifting. Keep finding ways to find the joy in being who you are.
I had a lot of doubts along the way whether this battle was worth fighting, but I’m glad I’ve stuck with it, even it doesn’t ever end. I’ve got great friends to help me get back to my feet time and again!
I love you now always and forever Joce. It has always been whatever makes you happy and complete Your mom and I never intended for you to blend in. But rather to stand out Love dad
It’s always easy to look back and see where I made a mistake in my judgment for whatever reason made sense at the time. It’s more important that I’ve learned from those mistakes and I push forward with that knowledge. You and mom have always supported me in everything that I’ve wanted to do. The struggle was that what I wanted never seemed to match who I thought I needed to be and who I was. Took 40 years to figure I can be me and still do all the things I want. The rest of the world will adjust. Love you both bunches!
I had the pleasure of working with you at SIR. I knew then that you were confident and in touch with your inner self, most notable was when you knew you had to take off and deal with Mr. BP. You are the most prolific writer and hardest worker I have had the honor of associating with. You could share with us then and I love you for sharing with us now.
Congrats on your coming out day. We knew about Truth #2 and was always amazed of how you coped with the up and down stress of the market. Your brilliance and wit was always there. That’s why I know Truth #1 will be a walk in the park for ya. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you so much. Both you and Al are absolutely wonderful!
I’ve got your back, Jocelyn. I’m proud of you!
—Dawn
You always have. So much love! Thank you!
Congratulations on finding the strength/courage to be honest with yourself as well as your readers. I hope you are finally experiencing peace. 🤗
Thank you. I’ve been getting more peace recently and it’s nice.
Thank you for speaking your truth Jocelynn.
I hope your comings out are just the next step of the rest of your authentic life.
Thank you so much!! I figure this is a good step forward.
Congratulations and Happy Coming Out Day. You and your story are an inspiration for us all. ❤️
Thank you so much!
I had an experience very close to yours in regards to bisexuality. I went to an adult I trusted who was a lesbian when I was 17, and I was nervous to admit that I liked both girls and boys, so I just asked her about bisexuality. She said it was just an excuse to be a slut. I was so hurt and horrified; I didn’t want to be a slut, so I just shut that part of myself off. I still haven’t really come out, though most of my friends know at this point, and I’ll be 39 next month. The person I went to and trusted is a family member, so only a few members of my family know. I’m also afraid my now ex husband would try to take the kids from me. I respect and admire your courage in standing up and being proud of who you are. I hope to be as brave someday. Congrats and Happy Coming Out Day!
Congratulations on finding your truth and being brave enough to embrace it. I think you’re very brave and I wish you love and joy.
Happy Coming Out Day! You show your strength and bravery with this post. The best part of my 40s has been enjoying who I am and not really giving a damn what others thought of me. I’m so happy you seem to feel the same. I’m grateful for all you’ve fought through to bring so much joy to your readers. 💕
I admire your courage to stand up through the fear and claim your truth on all counts.
I was in 12 Step programs for a long time and the oldtimers used to say, “It takes what it takes.” So please don’t spend any time regretting not coming forward sooner on either topic. It took what it took for you, and that’s all there is to it.
As the Desiderata says, “Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. “
Jocelynn I am so proud of you! You have accomplished so much in your life through your dogged determination and persistence. It kinda breaks my heart to know that you and others feel that they have to keep secrets to make it in this world. Please know that I fully accept you as you are, but also know that you don’t need my acceptance to find your happiness in life. This statement of yours, I pray, will empower you to continue to openly embrace this life as the ever changing experience that it is. Love you, Uncle Dave
Jocelynn it is yourself you should be proud off. In the end everything comes down to one thing. Yourself. Forgiveness. There is a great lesson I’ve learned in my life. It took me many years to come to a point where I could even bring about the thought of forgiving my parents. THEN came the BIGGY one. Forgiving myself. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Forgive myself for all those moments when I shut myself down for others sake, put myself second for others, for killing within me parts of who I am so I can be safe from others cruel words or deeds. In the end I would never ever change anything about the past. It is that past, that journey, that timing, that allows me to be who I am today. Priceless journey. Good travels to you Jocelynn in your new path in life. God’s grace be with you…..